Tonight I find myself home, with my faithful dog Tucker at my side. He is my only companion tonight, as my husband is away on business. My husband doesn’t have to travel very often, fortunately, and although it gets a little quiet when he’s away and I miss him, the time usually passes fairly quickly. I usually stay busy when he’s away and it’s not a problem. And tonight, I decided, is a good night for me to put some thoughts into words because tonight I had some moments when I felt afraid. My fear wasn’t about any kind of threat to my safety, but my fear came from experiencing some strange symptoms that were unusual for me. I recently shared an article on Facebook about symptoms of women’s heart attacks and how they can be very different from men’s. I didn’t think too much about it at the time, other than the fact that we should all be aware of these things. I also take special notice of information on heart issues, as my mother passed away very suddenly at the age of 72 from cardiac arrest. She had always seemed so healthy and the shock of her passing has always stayed with me… But tonight, I had some strange feelings – it seemed as though they were some of the same symptoms as those described in the article that was shared just a week or two ago. And it was scary. I seriously considered calling 911, but thought that was too extreme. This can’t be anything that serious, I thought. It’ll go away… I called my husband and he told me to call 911. And again, I decided to wait it out and see what would happen. And slowly, the symptoms went away and I seemed to be okay. After awhile, I broiled the salmon I’d bought for myself today and cooked the broccoli… and things went back to normal. But in those moments of fear and doubt, when I made sure the items in my purse and wallet were in order and my husband’s cell phone number was prominently placed in full view for emergency personnel to see… I was afraid. And I prepared myself for anything. Please believe that I am not writing this article to make anyone feel sorry for me or to alarm anyone. And I hope that it doesn’t seem overly dramatic. I’m certain that there are others of my friends, particularly in my age bracket, who have had moments similar to this. And during that time, although our thinking is slightly askew, we begin to fully realize just how precious life really is. We would give anything to make sure that nothing is really happening.. that we’ll be okay, and that this is just some crazy little incident due to being overtired or having indigestion. “Calm down… nothing really bad can happen to me!” we think. “I’m still too young!…” Ha! Oh, really?!
I believe that people in our generation, although most of us take pretty good care of ourselves… believe we’re indestructible. Most of us work pretty hard to try to stay young looking, we exercise, we eat right… and we have trouble admitting that we’re getting old. I must admit that although I qualify for all the senior citizen discounts and take advantage of them, I don’t really consider myself a senior. Nope, not me! Maybe it’s some stupid kind of pride or some fear that if I actually put myself in that category, then I really will be old. I don’t know.. but I do know that sometimes we ignore what our bodies are trying to tell us. And sometimes we refuse to slow down a little even though perhaps we should. I’m not saying that we should give up doing the things that are good for us, but I’m saying that we should be realistic and that we should be respectful of ourselves and our bodies… and a little more respectful of our lives.
In my moments of fear and doubt tonight, all I could think about was wanting to be okay because I still have so much more that I want to do in life, so much more time that I want to spend with my loved ones… so much more that I want to say to all the people I love and care about. I’m so fortunate that I’ve been given the amount of time on this earth that I’ve already had. There are many old friends and loved ones who’ve not had as much time. I never want to seem ungrateful for this wonderful life I’ve had. I am truly thankful for my good fortune of a wonderful, healthy life. I’m truly thankful for all the wonderful people who have been a part of my life – my sweet, beautiful, loving family as well as my dear wonderful friends. I’m truly thankful for all the rewarding experiences – the joy of being a mother, a grandmother, a wife. Perhaps I’m selfish for wanting more of the same – more years of spending time with the people I love, more wonderful experiences… but I do. And perhaps tonight’s experience was something that I needed to have. Perhaps we all need a time when we’re faced with the reality of truly looking at how precious our lives really are. Perhaps we all could use some time to let reality hit us in the face a little. Perhaps we can take an experience like this and use it – to realize that the little dumb stuff doesn’t really matter so much.. that stressing and worrying about the little things is worthless. And then perhaps we can go back out there, look life in the face and say, “Okay, I’m here, thank goodness, and I’m going to live the rest of this thing the absolute best way I can!”
Life is a journey. We just keep putting one foot in front of the other the best way we know how, but hopefully, we learn things along the way. It doesn’t matter how old we are or how smart we think we are. There are always new lessons to learn. I’m sure that I’ll have many more experiences from which to learn as I travel down the rest of the road of life. And hopefully, at the end of the journey, I can look back and say, “Wow, I did it! I did the best job I could! I’m certainly not perfect, but I lived the best I could, I loved with all my heart, and I tried to use what I learned each step of the way… and I am so grateful for it all!” And I don’t know how much wiser I’ll ever get to be, really.. but I like to think I will grow to be a very wise old woman who lived her life to the fullest.
And right now… yes, I am very grateful. And I also realize that I had something to learn. I’m certainly not ready, however, to end the journey quite yet. I have too much more to learn and too much more loving and living to do!
By the way, the little white rose that is in the photograph at the beginning of the piece seemed to be a nice little symbol for this writing. It’s an old white rose. It sat with its friends on my table for quite some time, blooming quite beautifully. At the time I took the photo, it had developed some wrinkles and imperfections on its petals… but it continued to look towards the light and it still had some blooming to do..

~ Carole Carter – words and photograph